Dear, Me is Not About Number

Dear, i wrote this so many times. yeah so many time or just too much. i'm not strong enough to tell you directly. still afraid to make you down, to make you down. better for me to cry or die. and you let me down.
I'm not insisting you to put me as the number one.will be very good if i am the last. like we've ever shared.
and i've tried to remind you about us. How i should treat you, it's not about you as a king coz i'm not a queen. but we're just starting it up and down.
there is always some misunderstanding since beginning and ending with a pain. might you never know this, you never feel this, you never change. but forgiveness.
but the time is changing, when the burden just come too much in my head and no more place to hold it longer, i'm dying.

don't you realize, we only have a few time to be enjoyed together. i'm going to leave you for some reason for months. I need you in every single second time, but i only want you to be with in several minutes.Only! Because i'm trying to understand, to understand and there's no feedback. Why?Why my dear?
Should i cry or die? when you tell me that you are too busy, but i see you less than busy. when you said less time to work while i invite you to go with me, then you reject but then you go with your friends, get mad in your world. i'm trying to get a best moment to go with you my dear. but you just ignored.i know i'm not the one, and i don't need to be the one. but you're the only one who let me al-one. just say it: i'm useless.

dear...
i'm in pain since we begin. no one can heal. i'm begging you not letting me tearful.
please healing me soon...it's just too much...too much..
i don't want to be your number one, i just want to be the last to be cared and to be loved with so many way to understand me... =(